


Halloween Is For Children

by Kukla6



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers Assemble - Freeform, Fluff, Gen, Halloween, Holidays, Metafiction, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-08
Updated: 2013-07-08
Packaged: 2017-12-18 02:57:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/874858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kukla6/pseuds/Kukla6
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint has a cunning plan to surprise Tony Stark at the annual Stark Halloween Bash.</p><p>“The Stark Halloween Bash is only a week away, and you know how Tony has been keeping his costume a huge secret?”</p><p>Halloween was a children’s holiday; dress up like the boogieman in the closet. Children didn’t know what to be afraid of in this day and age. Adults just wore underwear and called it costume and had a hedonistic orgy. “I thought we weren’t going to that affair," Natasha responded.</p><p>Clint snorted. “You said you didn’t want to go, but I know you. When you hear this you’re going to want to be in on my evil plot.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Halloween Is For Children

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own any of these characters.  
> I did like imagining them dressing up in these costumes, but the characters they're dressed as are not my property either. Credit is given for them in the story.

“Tash!” Clint whispered from the vent in her quarters. Natasha Romanov sighed inwardly and pulled the grate off of the air duct. 

“You’ve got that look, Barton. What did you discover this time?” She was accustomed to his fondness for hiding in the vents and spying on everyone at the tower. In fact, he was her best eyes and ears, at home and in the field. 

Clint flowed into the room like water and grinned at her from ear to ear. “The Stark Halloween Bash is only a week away, and you know how Tony has been keeping his costume a huge secret?”

Halloween was a children’s holiday; dress up like the boogieman in the closet. Children didn’t know what to be afraid of in this day and age. Adults just wore underwear and called it costume and had a hedonistic orgy. “I thought we weren’t going to that affair.”

Clint snorted. “You said you didn’t want to go, but I know you. When you hear this you’re going to want to be in on my evil plot.”

Stark had been particularly insufferable over this costume thing. She had assumed that he would just wear the flashiest Iron Man suit again and dump candy on the masses. This year, though, he was constantly dancing and telling people that they’d never guess what he had cooked up. She was particularly glad that he wouldn’t ever be in charge of any state secrets. “Tell me your evil plot.”

“I need you to give me a buzz cut.” He grinned broadly.

“I beg your pardon?” 

“Tony has ordered a custom pin-striped suit, with extra padding through the shoulders. It’s an old-fashioned double-breasted style. He also has a special appointment with the groomer.” Clint bounced like he expected her to figure this out with only that information. 

“Is it one of those Zoot Suits? That fad ended years ago.” She was, frankly, disappointed in Stark, a little bit.

“Yeah, but he also put in a special order for Pepper. Long black gown, steel-boned corset, lace-front black wig…” He nodded at her, and snapped twice.

Natasha suddenly remembered watching a black-and-white television show from the 60s with Clint, late one night. He had nudged her and asked her to watch it with him. Something about a creepy family… “The Addams Family?” She asked.

“Yep! They’re doing Gomez and Morticia!” Clint was already digging through her bathroom looking for a set of clippers. “And I know just who I want to be! I still have that striped shirt, you know.”

“And you want me to be that little girl, Friday or something?” She didn’t have any special love for that ridiculous program, but Clint obviously did. “I liked her. She was focused, and not silly like other American children.”

“Wednesday. You know, ‘Wednesday’s child is full of woe?’ it’s a poem.”

She smiled at him, and agreed that she would help him buzz off his hair, if he would help her with her make-up. 

\---

Steve wandered in to the main kitchen in the Avengers Tower and stumbled on an argument.  
“Come on, Bruce! It would be awesome!” Clint’s eyes danced.

“I am not going to release The Other Guy for a party. He is NOT a Halloween costume.” Dr. Banner crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head. “The property damage alone…”

“Meh. Stark can afford it, and Halloween has always been a celebration of pranks and tricks, anyway. Property damage is practically expected.”

Steve stepped between them. “Barton, do I actually have to remind you how stupid it is to provoke Dr. Banner?” 

Bruce ducked his head. “Captain, I’m fine. I’m not going to get big and green over this.”

“And that’s why I’m annoyed with him!” Clint threw his hands in the air.

Steve blinked at him for a minute then turned to look at Bruce. “What did I miss?”

“Clint wants us to dress up as characters from The Addams Family for Halloween.”

“And Banner says that the Hulk is not a Halloween costume.”

Steve glanced at each of them, and finally nodded. “Dr. Banner, why don’t you let me talk to Barton for a moment.”

Bruce muttered to himself about his lab and left the room. Steve turned back to Clint and before Clint could start making excuses, he put his hand out.

“I’m not going to lecture you about team dynamics. Tell me about this Halloween scheme you’re cooking up.” Steve smiled.

Clint shrugged. “Right. I didn’t figure that you’d get the reference, but have you seen that TV show from the 60s, or the movies that they made recently? The Addams Family is a grand old American tradition. Tony’s big secret is that he’s going to dress up as Gomez Addams for the Stark Halloween party, and he’s gotten a long black wig and a creepy dress for Pepper…”

Steve blinked. “Wait.”

“What?”

“The ADDAMS family? Was this TV show based on… anything?”

Clint’s face was blank. “Um. I don’t know. Maybe?”

“Like… cartoons from the New Yorker, maybe?” 

Clint started to reach for his phone to look it up and Steve just laughed. “JARVIS,” he called out. “Tell me about the Addams Family, please.”

“Very good, Captain Rogers. The films and television programs referenced by Agent Barton were indeed based upon the cartoons published by the New Yorker and in various anthologies. The Artist’s name was-“

“Chaz Addams!” Steve felt his face light up like fireworks on the Fourth of July. He couldn’t contain himself. “GOLLY!”

Natasha appeared at Clint’s shoulder. “Did you break Captain America? Do not make me get out the contingency plan…”

“No, Tash. I um… I think I have to… go lie down for a bit.” At her puzzled look he said, “I did make him say ‘golly’ and I think I need a time out.” He backed slowly out of the room.

Natasha looked at Steve. “Captain? Care to explain?”

Steve grinned from ear to ear. “AND I get to explain a popular culture reference! It’s like my birthday or something!” Steve looked at Natasha and laughed. “Sorry. I’ll tamp it down a little. It’s just… Wow. I’m glad that Chaz was so successful.”

“Chaz?”

“Charles Addams. I thought he was such a weirdo, but I was just jealous of him, a little bit. See, I knew him when I was a kid. We ran into one another at the art supply store and we got to talking about art and stuff. He really encouraged me. He’d already had some cartoons sold at that point and we managed to keep in touch. Hell, he was already working for the army when I enlisted. That lucky son of a gun was working with the Signal Corps Photographic Center and helping the war effort with his art! I watched his films as part of my training.”

Natasha nodded. “And he is the one who created the Addams Family?”

“Yeah, though I only saw one or two drawings. I remember a woman in a long black dress with spider legs and a really tall butler. Kinda looked like Frankenstein, ya know?”

Natasha looked at the door where Clint had exited. “Barton loved the TV show. He even made me watch it with him once. Perhaps we could watch a few episodes together and work out how to help him with his cunning plan?”

Steve’s sense of strategy sharpened his focus. “Wait. Tony’s out of town until Friday. Clint is planning this as a surprise, isn’t he?”

She smiled, just slightly. “He wants to dress us up as the Addams children, and I believe that he wanted Bruce to be the tall butler, as the Hulk.” She shook her head. “That’s why I was on my way up here; I received a tip that negotiations on that score had begun to break down.”

“Indeed, Agent.” The AI’s voice was smug.

“Well that doesn’t make sense to have the Hulk be the butler. The hulk is bulky and I seem to remember the butler fellow as being tall but lean.” Steve drew himself up and stood stiffly to demonstrate.

Natasha’s eyes widened very slightly and her eyebrow raised archly. “Ah. I think perhaps we ought to find you a tuxedo, Sir.”  
Steve grinned. “Only if we do a little bit of research first.”

JARVIS interrupted politely. “If I may, sir, madam, the entertainment console in the home theater is cued up for the first season of the television series.”

“I’ll make the popcorn,” Natasha said, heading for the microwave.

“I’ll get the soda pop.” Steve headed for the refridgerator.

\---

“I do not understand this epic,” grumbled Thor. “The people in this family claim to be ordinary mortals, but they clearly have Asgardian powers!”

They had watched most of the TV series and had moved on to the movies. Clint had joined in almost immediately, and Steve had somehow managed to get even Bruce involved, and Thor. 

“What do you mean by powers, Thor?” Bruce reached into Clint’s bucket of popcorn and helped himself to a handful.

“Clearly the Uncle whose name means rotting has some measure of my own power, for he calls and controls the force of the thunderstorm.” Thor gestured to the screen. “Behold.”

On the screen, Uncle Fester had the light bulb in his mouth and it was flickering to life. 

Clint grinned at Thor. “Are you sure you don’t want to shave your head? You’d be brilliant as Uncle Fester…” He looked as though he was trying to figure out how to shave Thor in his sleep.

“Nay, little Hawk. I shall not part with my flowing warrior’s locks. However, it doth occur to me that there may be another way to play the mighty Uncle.” Thor grinned broadly. “On Asgard, there are times when subterfuge is necessary, and disguise is a thing my father does supremely well.” There was a glint in his eye.

Natasha thought about how useful asgardian disguise magics would be on her various missions, and smiled prettily. “Do tell,” she said. 

“There is an ointment which can render my appearance as that of an older man, without truly removing the glorious mane I currently possess.” Thor looked pensive for a moment. “Perhaps there is a way for me to have it sent to Midgard in time for the festivities.”

Steve chuckled. “I’d pay a nickel to see that.” He was sketching in his book, and all the pictures were of a tall, dour character. “Barton, can I borrow your grease paints for this?” he asked.

Clint wagged his finger at Steve. “Nuh-uh. Nobody touches my make up supplies but me.”

Natasha rolled her eyes. “Don’t be such a prissy princess, Barton. I think the Captain will do just fine, and you’ve seen how neat he keeps his watercolors and oils.”

“He just doesn’t want to find out that anyone else might be better than him at facial disguise.” Bruce actually grabbed the popcorn bowl away from Clint.

“Hey! Go nuke your own bowl, Banner.”

Thor laughed. “That will not be necessary, my mighty friend.” He reached behind the couch and produced a microwavable bag that he held between his hands. His brows knit as he concentrated and the bag began inflating with a percussive popping sound. As the popping slowed, Thor handed the smoking bag to Barton. 

Bruce whistled. “Nice control, there, big guy.”

“A princely compliment coming from you, my friend.” Thor beamed. “I have been practicing more focused techniques. I am coming to understand that there are times when a great lightning strike is not necessary.”

“The Hulk is teaching Thor how to control his power. This is rich.” Clint smiled when he said it.

Steve put his sketch pad down. “Actually, Thor, that’s a great idea. That one time when we needed to jump-start the quinjet, a smaller jolt of electricity probably would have been more appropriate.”

Natasha grinned. “Oh, I don’t know. I love the smell of burned metal in the morning.”

Steve sighed. “Go, team.”

“Speaking of teamwork, Bruce, which character are we going to get you to portray?” Clint was picking through the bag of popcorn and tossing the burned pieces into everyone else’s bowls.

“I told you, I don’t like large parties and I don’t want to go.” Bruce hugged his stolen popcorn bowl to his chest. 

Natasha thought about it for a moment and snuggled down closer to Bruce. “It wouldn’t be the same without you there,” she started.

Bruce looked at her. “I’d have thought you of all people would be the most leery of putting me in a crowd under unpredictable circumstances.”

She shrugged. “I also know that you have excellent control. Maybe we could have you be the disembodied hand?”

Clint perked up. “Hey, yeah! We could have Bruce be Thing! It would be great! You have good hands…”

Bruce sighed. “Tell you what. I’ll come up with a way for you to have a ‘thing’ at the party, and you leave me at the tower when you go out.”

The group continued to watch the screen in silence for a while. Natasha leaned over to Bruce and whispered quietly, “I know where I can get a bowler hat.”

\------

On the night of the party, Tony and Pepper were arranging to be fashionably late, of course. What they hadn’t realized was that the rest of the Avengers were hiding out at the party venue, waiting for their cue from JARVIS.

Tony and Pepper made their entrance, bowed to the crowd, and Tony accused Pepper of speaking French and began to make out with her in front of everyone. At that moment, the speakers played the Addams Family theme and Clint leaped forward to steal their thunder.

“Mother, Father!” cried Clint, his hair buzzed ridiculously short, striped shirt pulling tightly across his shoulders. “Wednesday and I have made you a present!”

Natasha solemnly entered and presented a headless doll. The doll looked suspiciously like The Mandarin, and the crowd gave a whoop. She and Clint had spent the afternoon dying her hair with temporary black and adding extensions to form the two braids. The dress was actually from a fetish shop, but the impossibly high skirt seemed appropriate for the venue, and the long sleeves and high collar helped maintain the illusion.

“Wonderful, children!” Pepper clapped her hands. She murmured quietly to Tony. “I told you that you couldn’t keep a secret.”

“Not from two super spies, I can’t.” He hissed through his teeth.

Natasha looked up gravely. “That’s not the whole present, Mother. The rest of the family wishes to contribute, too.”

Tony’s eyes widened. “Well, then, let’s have the whole Addams Family reunion!”

“BROTHER!” a voice boomed. Thor made a very strange sort of Uncle Fester, but the magical ointment he brought from Asgard served to give him the illusion of a bald head. It was somewhat disconcerting. Thor galloped up, dark robe flapping about his ankles, and hugged Tony around the waist, picking him up and then setting him back down. He then held out an incandescent light bulb and theatrically placed it in his mouth, lighting it up. 

The crowd went wild.

Tony sighed. “It’s a shame that we couldn’t get JARVIS to be Lurch.” He said.

“YOU RANG?” A green giant slipped up behind him quietly. Steve did, in fact, make a wonderful Lurch, and had done a masterful job on his make-up.

Pepper hugged him quickly. “Oh, Lurch. We’re lost without you.” She leaned against him a little bit, giggling to herself.

Then a high-pitched squeak was heard and from the crowd a mountain of hair with a derby hat waddled up onto the dais.

Tony lit up immediately. “It, you old devil! It’s good to see you!” the mountain of hair was pulling DUM-E along, with a big fake rubber hand attached instead of its usual pincsers. “And Thing! How could we ever forget you.” Tony had clearly gotten over his disappointment that his costume wasn’t a surprise. DUM-E waved his five fingers at Tony and spun around happily.

Pepper murmured quietly to Clint and Natasha. “How the hell did you get Bruce to do it?”

Clint grinned and showed off his ability to throw his voice. “We tried to get The Hulk to be Lurch, but Banner wasn’t having it. He did agree to the Cousin It gag, though, because no one would be able to see him.”

Flashbulbs went off like fireworks and the group naturally gravitated together to form a perfectly imperfect Family Portrait.

Clint was standing next to Natasha and he impulsively took her hand. She let him. It would be good for the pictures.

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a silly bit of fluff when I imagined Robert Downey Jr's Tony Stark dressing up as Gomez Addams to a Morticia portrayed by Gwyneth Paltrow's Pepper Potts. This story dragged me out of bed, twice, so any mistakes are my own. No beta, so con/crit is welcome.
> 
> Charles "Chaz" Addams was a contemporary of Steve Rogers, or would have been if Steve were real. While researching for this story, I discovered that Addams grew up in Jersey and had indeed been part of the war effort, working on propaganda films in New York City. I was delighted with the idea that perhaps these two guys had known one another, and I was certain that Steve would have been at least passingly familiar with Addams' work. I had an image of a slightly older Addams running into skinny Steve at an art-supply store and striking up a conversation with him.


End file.
